So here's a little modern folk tale starring an old friend, Paul Bunyon.
I kind of wondered what he'd think of what's going on in America today, so I arranged for him to visit a good friend of his, Dead-Eye Sue.
The story is as follows:
PAUL BUNYON AND THE REPUBLICANS
"Whatcha gonna do, Paul? This land is poisoned, and there's no way out!" Dead-eye Sue is sitting at her wooden kitchen table, she's got a look of gloom on her face that would knock a bear back to hibernation in the middle of summer, she's way past mad. Paul's just sitting in his rocking chair, yeah, the one made from the whole trunk of a redwood tree, and each time he rocks back and forth the whole earth quakes and rumbles, but he's just relaxin'.
"Now, Sue, what's got you in such a bad way? Seems to me everything is just fine! You made me a fine snack, that big fat tasty steer and a bushel a'taters, look, the sky is blue and the sun is shining, so perk up, gal!" Paul gives another mighty rock, this time it throws Dead-eye Sue right off her chair!
"Well, that does it!" Dead-Eye Sue rights herself and furiously brushes some non-existent dust from her skirt (her floor is clean enough to eat on), she faces Paul, her eyes blazing. "Don't you know what's going on? This whole country is being robbed, and all the good people are hurtin'! Why down to New Orleans they're just wiped out, people scattered everywhere, homes wrecked! The sick people aren't getting to the doctor, the children aren't getting decent schoolin', they've sent our kids to fight and die in war for a big old lie, and you're sitting here telling me it's a sunny day! Ha!"
"Well heck, Sue," Paul says, kinda abashed by the fury of the woman, "you know I been away for a while, me and Babe were travelin' the world and we stopped off on this grand island where they treated us so well we just couldn't leave! Babe's still there, they've made her a queen! I had just thought to come and visit awhile with you, being my best friend and all, and then I was gonna go back and help the islanders stop off that pesky volcanoe ... well, I guess Babe can do it, all she hasta do is sneeze on it a bit and it'll quiet down. Now you just tell me what's gone wrong here and I'll fix it!"
Dead-Eye Sue grew quiet, a tender look stealing into her flashing brown eyes. "Well I guess you are gonna be real surprised at what's happened here in America since you been gone, Paul! When you left we was a great country, everyone pulling together like we always done, we were doing great things, that's a fact! But then something went wrong, real wrong! You know in this great country we all choose our leaders, we go to the voting booth and make our mark and that person who gets the most marks, well they go to Washington and run the government?"
"Well, sure I know that, Sue!" Not everyone can have Babe as a Queen, there's only one of her, after all, and for that little island, well it works just fine. This is a great big country, though, and it's only right that everyone have a say in who helps run it!" said Paul.
"Oh Paul," cried Sue, "there's some terrible varmints that stole the election and now they're just robbing America blind! They've got all the power and they've turned neighbor against neighbor, we got nothing but confusion and misery all across this great land! You got to do something to stop this!"
Paul got a wrathful look on his black bearded face. "Now I'm just way for a little bit and THIS happens? Sue, you just tell me who done this and I'll set him straight!"
Well Dead-Eye Sue and Paul Bunyon stayed up half the night talkin' and finally Paul got the whole story. He let outa bellow that caused every car alarm to go off from Los Angeles to New York City! Well that sure woke the people up, I can tell you! Paul knew he had to go to Washington D.C. to confront these dastardly culprits who had hurt his beloved America. Well Dead-Eye Sue lived in Nevada, so he had a little bit of a walk to take, but with his hundred-mile stride, it didn't take too long, he didn't even break a sweat.
Paul walked right up to the security gate by the White House. The security guards tried to stop him, but their bullets were no match for Paul's thick hide, and he just sent them all flying with a wave of his hand. He walked right up the steps and into the building, and found George W. Bush and Dick Cheney cowering under the desk in the Oval Office, and Carl Rove shaking like a leaf behind the draperies. He grabbed all three by the scruff of their necks and hauled them outside, then stalked over to the Congress and lassoed every Republican in sight. Once he had them all gathered, he stamped his foot, hard, which of course made a big hole in the ground 50 feet deep! He threw all the villains in the hole and then took himself to K Street where he rounded up all the lobbyists (and snagged a bunch of political consultants and nasty old pundits for good measure) and threw them in the hole, too.
"You folks ought to be ashamed of yourselves!" Paul thundered down into the hole, where all the nasty folks were crying and otherwise disgracing themselves. "This ain't your little playpen, and the people's business ain't something for you to profit from at their expense! Why I ought to bury you all right here where you stand!" and Paul made a threatening gesture to scoop up a ton of dirt right then and there. "No! No!" cried the villains, "we'll be good! We will give back everything we took, and we'll do whatever you say!"
"Hmph," Paul muttered, disbelieving. "Not good enough." He motioned to a Democratic Senator who was in the big crowd of politicians Paul had spared. "You! You look like an honest man," Paul said. "What's your name, mister?"
"I'm Russ Feingold, the junior Senator from Wisconsin," replied the dark haired man. "Wisconsin!" cried Paul, "well that's one of my favorite States! You know those Great Lakes you got there, well I built them quite a while back for my ox, Babe, to bathe in! They still there?" "Yes, sir," said Senator Feingold. "They're still there, but these fools you got in that hole would be happy to destroy them with pollution for the money the big corporations would pay them!"
Paul got a mean look on his face and once again glared at the whimpering mob in the pit. "Yeah, Sue told me all about these scoundrels. Russ, what d'ya suggest we do with them? I don't trust 'em as far as I could throw 'em ... and you know, that would be pretty far! Ha! Ha!" and Paul laughed, shaking the ground so that everyone found themselves doing a little jig just to keep standing!
"Well, Paul, I have an idea," said Russ. Let's have a referendum! Let's have all the people across this great land vote on what to do with these rascals! Now that they're in this pit, the rest of us can go through their papers and investigate what they've been doing and let the rest of the country know what's been done in their name. You can guard them till we're through."
"That's a good idea, Russ, you and your friends go do that and I'll keep 'em right here where they can't do no more harm."
So for a whole week the Democrats went through the records at the White House, Congress and the lobbyists offices. They found a mountain of evidence showing what evil deeds had been done and televised this throughout the land. The people were very angry indeed, and in every statehouse in the land they pressured their representatives to use the Jefferson rule to impeach the President and Vice President,. Once this was done, Paul reluctantly let everyone out of the pit. By law, the Congress had to do the bidding of the states, and it wasn't long before Bush and Cheney were run out of office on a rail, never to show their evil faces again, and through some fancy parliamentary footwork, Nancy Pelosi was elevated to the Presidency.
The remaining disgraced Republicans meekly served out their terms and in the following months were promptly defeated in the nationwide elections. Americans were so damned mad that very few incumbents of either party returned to Washington in 2006. The new crop of Congressmen had received their mandate, and there were no more shenanigans with the people's business from then on. The best men and women were hired for government jobs and the country got back on its feet again, repaired its fences with nations around the world, and averted several wars that Bush and Cheney had planned to further their own greedy ends.
His work done, Paul went back West to see Dead-Eye Sue once more before he rejoined Babe. "Well, Sue, are ya' happy now?" Paul asked.
"Oh Paul!" Sue cried, giving him a big kiss right on the mouth. Paul blushed so furiously that the temperature rose 10 degrees through five states!
Sue made Paul promise to drop by every now and then to make sure the country stayed on the right course. Then Paul left, and if I'm not mistaken he's at that island right now, drinking gallon shots of papaya juice and hanging out with Babe, his blue ox.